Toxic Positivity

When we don’t leave room for anything but positive

We see it everywhere—on social media, in conversations with friends, and at work.

Someone shares something hard, and almost automatically we respond with:
“Everything will be okay.”
“Look on the bright side.”
“At least it’s not worse.”

It’s well-intended.
But it often shuts something down.

Somehow, we’ve learned—explicitly or implicitly—that positive emotions are the only acceptable ones. That feeling frustrated, disappointed, uncertain, or overwhelmed is something to move past quickly… or not show at all.

So what’s really going on here?
Why is there so little room to feel it all?

And what happens when we finally give ourselves—and others—permission to do just that?

When Positivity Turns Toxic

In recent years, a term has emerged for this pattern: toxic positivity.

Toxic positivity shows up when an environment—personal or professional—signals that only optimism, gratitude, and “good vibes” are welcome. Anything else is uncomfortable, inconvenient, or quietly discouraged.

The impact?
Research shows that suppressing emotions can increase shame, anxiety, disengagement, and mental health challenges at work (Campbell-Sills et al., 2006; Talaifar & Swann, 2020).

And yet, this is often happening in the name of Positive Psychology.

Which is where things get misunderstood.

Positive Psychology Was Never About Ignoring the Hard Stuff

Positive Psychology, founded in the 1990s by Martin Seligman, was never meant to eliminate difficult emotions.

The intention was simple—and powerful:
Instead of focusing only on what’s broken, we also look at strengths, capacity, and what helps people function at their best.

In my work, I often notice that when leaders first show up, they feel… gray. Disconnected from the parts of themselves that once felt confident, curious, or energized.

Sometimes, through one conversation—or a few—you can literally see the color return. Not because we ignored what was hard, but because we remembered:
You are creative.
You are resourceful.
You are a whole human being.

That reminder matters.

How Social Media Distorted the Message

Social media didn’t create toxic positivity—but it amplified it.

We curate the highlight reel.
Smiling family photos. Coffee cups. Beautiful views.

No one posts the moment when the kids are fighting in the back seat on a road trip. Or the frustration, the doubt, the exhaustion.

Over time, the unspoken message becomes:
“Show the positive. Keep the rest off-screen.”

And slowly, that spills into leadership cultures too.

What We Miss When Only Positivity Is Allowed

1. Suppressed thoughts don’t disappear

Research shows that when we try not to think or feel something, we often think about it more—sometimes dozens of times more.

Giving yourself permission to feel an “unwanted” emotion can actually reduce spiraling and self-criticism.

2. Our brains are wired for threat

We have a natural negativity bias. Our brains evolved to scan for danger because mistakes once had serious consequences.

That mechanism didn’t disappear just because we work in offices now.

3. Emotions move—whether we allow them or not

Emotions are not static. They come and go.

You’re not happy all the time. Neither am I. No one is.

When we remember that emotions are temporary, we stop treating discomfort as a problem that needs immediate fixing.

What Happens When Teams Don’t Feel Safe to Feel

When leaders—often unintentionally—signal that only positivity is welcome, teams learn to self-censor.

People stop sharing concerns.
They stop naming uncertainty.
They disengage quietly.

Not because they don’t care—but because it doesn’t feel safe to be real.

Leading Without Slipping Into Toxic Positivity

Here are a few grounded shifts that matter:

1. Let them be. Most people don’t need fixing.
   They need presence. Acknowledging where someone is—without rushing to solve—can be far more impactful than advice.

2. Practice empathy and compassion. When leaders model compassion, people learn to extend it to themselves. I see this constantly in coaching conversations. When leaders show genuine empathy, something opens. People soften. They regain access to their strengths. Don’t underestimate how powerful that is.

3. Watch for “should,” “need,” and “have to.” These words often carry judgment. When you hear them, try pausing the conversation:
   “I’m hearing a lot of ‘shoulds.’ I’m curious—what do you want?” That simple shift can change everything.

   A Reframe Worth Sitting With: What if emotions and thoughts aren’t “positive” or “negative” at all?What if the better question is:
   What is this emotion trying to tell me right now? As leaders, that curiosity creates space—for learning, trust, and real connection. If this perspective resonates, and you’re ready to go beyond leadership as performance and into leadership as presence, awareness, and meaningful connection—stay connected.

Check Noa’s Video about this topic