IPLC - Take the Lead on Your Emotions
We all had those moments when someone or something triggered or annoyed us. We observe ourselves from the side and can sense that we are not aligned with our emotions, thoughts, actions, and even our values at times. In those moments, we can see that our emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and actions lead us, rather than us leading them (I don’t like the word 'controlling'). They get in our way to head toward the outcome we want, and we might even hear an inner conversation like: "Urge, I wish I would show up differently. However, the frustrating reality is that, despite promising ourselves time after time that we will show up differently, we often fail to do so, and we start spiraling. Emotional regulation is the ability to understand and manage our behavior and reactions to intense feelings, and calm down after experiencing something exciting or upsetting. Similarly, when you understand your thought patterns, you can learn to guide your thoughts in a new direction.
In this article, I will share a simple framework that can help you lead your emotions or thoughts in a productive way with yourself and the circles of connections around you.
I call this framework ILPC.
ILPC stands for Identify, Label, Pause, and Choose.
Step 1: Identify
Okay, so you are triggered. The question is, how are you showing up when you're triggered?
When we are triggered, our thought patterns and emotions can lead us to engage in unwanted behaviors. This is why it's essential to identify your thought patterns.
Pause and explore; which of the following is your thought pattern, and when does it show up?
All-or-Nothing Thinking - Seeing things in black-or-white, zero or one, right or wrong way. You think that it has to be either way. But there are many shades of gray and numbers between zero and one.
Negative Bias – even though things are going well, pick one negative detail and focus on it.
If you are a neuroscience geek, please know that Negative Bias is a survival behavior adopted by our ancient brain to keep us safe. Making a mistake could cost our lives; this is why our brain wants us to be aware of the "bad decisions we made" and pay attention to what's not working. But in today's reality, most of us do not need to worry about being attacked by a tiger. Still, the mechanism stayed. When we learn to teach our brains to focus on what is going well, we can rewire our brains to see situations from a new perspective and adjust our approach.
Overgeneralization - Believing that it "always" happens to you or "never" happens to you – this is when we feel frustrated and defeated.
Magnification/Minimization - Your special magnifying glass can magnify an issue, making it appear larger than it actually is. Or you can minimize the situation and focus on your positive qualities.
Mind Reading/Fortune Telling - You jump to conclusions based on feelings or thoughts without supporting evidence.
Emotional Reasoning - You believe that whatever you feel must be so.
Step 2 - Label
So now you know. The problem is that we often know what we feel or think, which contradicts the way we want to be. So, we will approach it in one of the following ways:
Make it Smaller – Others have more significant problems. I should not make such a big deal of my feelings or thoughts.
Self-Deprecation – How do I even dare to feel or think this way? I should be positive, or grateful, or…
Ignore/Avoid it – I will work and distract myself.
The problem with these thought patterns, as the research shows, is that every time you ignore your emotions and your thoughts, you think about them or feel them 49 times more.
When we label or name our emotions or thought patterns, we validate what we feel and think. We acknowledge that they exist without needing to fix or delve into them. They are just there to co-exist. They are neither good nor bad. They are just there.
What can be confusing is that labeling our emotions and thoughts doesn't mean that they will stay there forever. Emotions are not stagnant. They come and go. Even as you read or listen to this idea, you have many thoughts and emotions that appear and then disappear. When you trust that this is the idea of thoughts and emotions, that they are energy that goes in and out, that they are not there forever – you can validate them and say, "I see you and hear you, I know you are here with me and that's okay for now."
Step 3 – Pause
Now, when we name and validate our feelings and thoughts without judgment, we can pause and then choose.
Have you ever experienced feeling overwhelmed with emotions or thoughts, and when you shared it with another person, you heard the response: "Calm down, let's just take a big breath." When I heard people saying that, I couldn't stand it. Why? Because when people tell me to take a big breath, it feels like I don't have a choice: they are making me do something that makes me feel out of control. I don't feel like taking a big breath; I want to express my emotions my way. Not their way.
Here is what I do believe: taking a big breath is not about calming down. Taking a big deep breath is about a moment of Pause. Taking a deep breath is an intentional option for me to take a moment to pause, ask myself what I need, and choose between
Do I want to stay and keep my emotions and thoughts leading me?
Do I want to shift to a new way of being or doing?
Pause doesn't have to be a deep breath; it can be anything that makes you pause to be intentional with that moment of choice.
Our clients use some options:
Standing
Taking a sip of water
Stepping away from their computer
Going to the toilet
Having a coffee break
One of my ways to enter a moment of choice is by touching a pulse point on my body, such as my heart or arm. This is why I always wear bracelets. Touching jewelry on your pulse point can be a grounding way. Some of our clients will add a grounding question or a message for themselves and stick it to their computer screen, such as: "It is time to pause" (and touch their watch), "I know," "Keep going," or "What's important right now?"
Step 4 – Making an Intentional Choice
Making a choice is a powerful experience. Whether we stay with our current "unwanted" emotions or thoughts or shift, we respond to a need.
If we choose to stay—that's okay, we are choosing to maintain this way. Choosing to stay is not letting our emotions and thoughts lead us from autopilot; it is an intentional choice.
If we choose to shift, we only do so after checking in with ourselves and asking how we want to move. Do we need to step away? Do we need to reach out and ask for support? Do we need to take a walk to gain a new perspective and be inspired? Do we need to rest? What do we need to shift, and how?
What I love about sharing the IPLC system is its empowering nature. Being at a place of choice differs from allowing our autopilot tendencies to lead us without awareness.
It takes time to practice this framework, but finding your way is so liberating.
Remember, first, identify your emotions or thoughts, then label or name them, pause to center yourself, and lastly, make an intentional choice. As a leader, you can use this approach with yourself and empower others by helping them develop and grow. Experiment with the ILPC and share with us how it works for you.
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